The Marauders' Last Prank
by Literary Prima Donna
Summary: AU post 5th yr. All 4 marauders team up for the ultimate Prank setting up Harry with the loves of his life...with hilarious and bizzare side effects. SSHPDM
1. Remus Lupin's Diary

_**The Marauders' Last Prank**_

_(Author__'__s note: This may seem like one more HPSSDM slash fest, but there is more than that here. Do want to read a story where the Marauders gang up one last time on Snape and a Malfoy…to give Harry his heart__'__s desire? Moreover, how does the idea of Rudolphus Lestrange being forced to borrow money from Harry Potter… to settle a bet with his wife, hit you? Read on…Disclaimer: The entire Harry Potter universe belongs to J. K. Rowling. Liberties taken with it will be stated as necessary._

**Summary/teaser:** Sirius, James, and Lily decide to orchestrate the ultimate Marauder prank: set up Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy to fall in love with Harry Potter, since Harry is in love with both of them. Unexpected complications ensue, such as Wormtail getting together with his true love, and Horace Slughorn being framed for stealing potions ingredients from Snape. And that's just the start…

**Prologue**

_(Author__'__s note: I do not own any characters, but I have taken the following liberties with them: James and Sirius hate Snape a lot less now that they are both dead. Lily__'__s influence may have something to with that…)_

James, Lily and Sirius were all together in the afterlife, gazing down at their friends, relatives, and enemies - although 'down was merely a relative term used as a formality since the afterlife was by no means separate from the duringlife, as shall be seen soon enough.

"He looks so peaceful and happy." James sighed.

"Are you sure, Prongs?" Sirius inquired, slightly worried. "He seems a bit down to me."

"Of course he's a bit down!" Lily said indignantly. "He just had to break up with his girlfriend while he deals with being bisexual and having a huge crush on two guys!"

"Oops, we missed that." James murmured.

"Well, it neither took long, nor did it cause a massive explosion. She was pretty nice about it."

"Which two guys is it?" Sirius asked.

"You two should probably watch and find out for yourselves. It will be easier on you that way." Lily told them sweetly. So they watched. In the end, they agreed that it was easier finding out whom Harry liked from Harry.

"I don't believe it!" ranted James. "Falling for Draco Malfoy, I can see. I mean, he is sexy if you like blonds. But…But…How is that areole who claims to be his teacher, sexy?!"

"There's more to attraction than just looks," Padfoot pointed out. "It could be a chemical thing."

"So what if it is? All three of them could use a little fun." Lilly said thoughtfully. The other two looked at her, then at each other.

"Could we pull it off?" James sounded doubtful.

"We'd need contacts who are still alive." Sirius reminded them.

"Well, since this would be the Ultimate Marauder Prank, we'd have to include the other two. Let's do it!" Lily was waxing enthusiastic. "Let's set the three of them up!"

"How, Lily-Love?" James demanded practically.

"Simple, Lupin gives Draco a love potion and Peter gives Severus one, and next thing you know they'll worship Harry. He'll be thrilled, and we'll use potions that make the drinkers sufficiently amenable to suggestion that they would rather share Harry than risk hurting him with a jealous rivalry!"

"Nice. I like it. I like it a lot. Let's do it!" James had caught his wife's enthusiasm.

"Let's!" agreed Sirius. "Tonight we start, and Wormtail and Moony are having some weird dreams coming their way!"

**Chapter 1: An extract from Remus Lupin's diary**

_Last night, I had an incredible dream. I dreamt that James, Lily, and Sirius came into my room and asked for my help with the Ultimate Marauder Prank. I know it must have been real, because on the page preceding this is the recipe of a very obscure love potion, which I am to give Draco Malfoy. At this point, I know no more than that, because the others feel it may be vital for my safety and the success of their ruse that I not have to act surprised by certain developments. I will do it. I may be mad, but I will do it! I cannot risk losing this chance, both to help my friends and to help at least one enemy. And of course there is my own deep-down desire to see what happens and how far this goes__…__ have a feeling I will have a lot to record here soon._


	2. After Peter's Dream

**Chapter 2: Peter's Dream and What Followed**

_(Author__'__s note: This chapter took an unexpected twist, but thank goodness it did! The story would have stayed a bunch of lame scenes, strung on a fragile plot with out this chapter, but now it has the first sub-plot. __Please note:__ I do not own any characters, but I have taken the following liberties with them: Peter is mediocre-looking at first glance, but on closer inspection proves quite good-looking. Also, I require Voldemort to have a forked tongue, so bear with me.)_

Peter woke with a jolt as he was sent tumbling head over heels by what felt like an earthquake. Then he remembered that he was in rat form and that he had been napping next to his lord's pillow. He scrambled to his feet and looked around. Voldemort was sprawled on his back, having just thrown himself down on his bed. Wormtail took a few moments to allow his eyes to linger on the figure of the man he considered to be the most beautiful on the planet. The others followed him for power, and the chance to be cruel. Wormtail followed him from true devotion. He could not help it. He just had to be as close and useful to Voldemort as possible.

"Wormtail? Is that you? Are you there?" The Dark Lord called out softly. Wormtail scurried out from behind the pillow, sprang to the floor and transformed.

"Yes, My Lord?"

Voldemort did an odd thing. He pulled his robes and cloak aside and said:

"Come and sit down. I want to talk to you." When Peter was seated, he gazed at his servant for a minute, making sure his question was phrased so that fear would not make Wormtail lie.

"Do you think Severus Snape is too ambivalent to our cause to be persuaded to stop playing spy and to give his loyalty to Dumbledore? I don't want him around anymore, dubiously loyal or not, but I have no real objection to him switching sides."

Peter listened incredulously. Why, this could fit in perfectly with what he was supposed to do next Death Eater meeting, assuming he believed the dream he'd had… Yet his instincts dictated that he be cautious. First, was this really a coincidence? Second, could he really kill two birds with one stone?

"Well, my Lord, before I answer, I have one question: what provoked this state of affairs? Why not just kill him? And, did you by any chance have odd dreams last night, too?"

Voldemort sat bolt upright, coming almost nose to nose with Wormtail, who might have flinched, but there was no anger in the red eyes, only surprise.

"How did you know?" Voldemort murmured.

"Well, because I dreamed about J-James, L-lily ans S-Sirius. They suggested the perfect way to get rid of S-Snape, if you don't mind him ending up very happy."

"Oh. I see. Well I dreamed of someone different, so this is probably coincidence. What is their plan? How happy will he get?"

"Well…Oh, blast! It won't work, I wasn't thinking."

"Tell me. Maybe we can make it work." The Dark Lord's voice was shockingly gentle and reasonable, so Peter dared explain.

"The thing is, they're trying to give three people a break, one of them's Snape, and one is Harry Potter. They want me to slip Snape a love potion, so he falls in love with Harry Potter."

"But what's wrong with that? It's perfect. He cannot stay borderline if he is in love with the boy-who-bloody-would-not-die. He'll practically have to join the order."

May be the fact that he was inches away from Lord Voldemort was making him light-headed, but Peter had the insane desire to knock on Voldemort's head and say: _Hello? Is anyone there? I just suggested we make Harry Potter and Severus Snape as happy as two people in love - literally!_

Instead, he frowned and said cautiously, "So, you don't mind making Potter happy in the process? You see, he's developed at least a crush on Snape, if not something stronger."

"Annoying, but I live with annoyance, like the rest of the world," responded the Dark lord calmly.

"So…can I do it? Can I make up the potion and give it to him like I was instructed?"

"Can you? Go ahead, but keep it…under your hat, so to speak. This is, admittedly, out of character for me, and I don't want to cause a mutiny on the basis that I seem to have gone soft!" This last was said half in drawling jest, but it still made Peter growl:

"Just let them try it! Do what you like, My Lord, you'll always have me."

The man who had once been Tom Marvolo Riddle sank bank until he was leaning on his elbows, looking up at Peter. What a mystery Peter was, even after all these years.

"Peter, what makes you tick? What is it that makes you a loyal, useful servant to me and a blundering incompetent fool to Dumbledore? You barely graduated, and desperately needed your three best friends to hold your hand, so what changed when you joined me? How did you know that this was your place in the world?"

"I couldn't't say, my Lord." Peter replied stiffly, staring at the wall over Voldemort's head. "I do my best to serve you."

"Bur why?" demanded Voldemort, unable to hide any longer how badly he wanted to know. "Why, Peter, Why? Why do you do your best to serve me? Why did you turn your back on the only support and companionship you were ever likely to have? What have I ever given you?"

"Power, revenge, a chance to play with my inner demons." Peter's response was

given in a monotone, like someone reciting a boring lesson.

"Fine!" The Dark Lord's eyes flashed dangerously as a glimmer of hope, kindled there by a look in Peter's eyes earlier, faded to nothing more than a stubborn spark. However, that last dying ember made him push Peter father. "But what else. Tell me the truth, the whole truth, Peter."

"Why do you care?" Peter snapped, springing to his feet. The downside to loving his lord was his lord's ability to goad him into losing control. "I can't leave you now, I'm not going to anyway, and so you have in me a totally loyal, if incapable servant." He strode to the door, only to be halted by a single, soft word.

_"Please!"_

Peter froze. "What did you say?" His voice was strained almost to a squeak.

"P-please, don't run away. Please tell me. I have to know. Please, Peter, _please!_"

Wormtail turned and stared at the Dark Lord for what felt like a long while. He could not tell how long; time seemed distorted.

"Am I dreaming? I must be to hear you talking like that," he wondered aloud.

"So what if you are? Just go with it. You can bet anything you want that in a short while you'll be awakened by a shout and a kick." The red eyes were glinting with triumph, hope, and laughter – of all things – which is what really convinced Peter that he was dreaming. He would just go with it. He approached Voldemort and sat once again beside him.

"I switched sides because I fell in love with you." he said simply, then leaned down and kissed the Dark Lord. Soon all he could think of was how sexy a forked tongue was. He barely noticed long, skeletal arms encircling him and pulling him down…


	3. Saturday Morning

**Chapter 3: Harry****'****s not-so-relaxing Saturday**

_(Author__'__s note: I have added an original character: Lord Alfard Black, who is an ancestor of Sirius. Who he was is likely not important, but if it is, background details will be provided. Also, "blah, blah, blah" denotes parseltoungue.)_

Far away, completely unaware that his life was about to be turned upside down, Harry Potter woke up looking forward to a relaxing Saturday. Ron was still asleep, as were most of his dorm mates, so Harry dressed quietly and went downstairs to the common room, then out into the rest of the castle. It was raining and rather chill both inside and out, so Harry avoided the corridors with lots of windows. He drifted downstairs, and found himself moving quietly along the halls just above the dungeons. Without noticing it, he passed the turn-off to the stairs usually used to go to Potions, and soon found himself deep in Slytherin territory. The first indication he go was a voice, which said quietly,

"What brings you here?"

"Harry turned calmly around and faced the portrait. It was of a man he guessed might have been a Black.

"I'm taking a walk. It's warmer down here."

"Where exactly are you going, _Griffindork_?" the man demanded arrogantly and suspiciously. His tone evoked a flare of anger in Harry.

"I thought I would take a quick jaunt down to the Chamber of Secrets, and maybe do a bit of cleaning up before breakfast." he responded cooly. The portrait blinked twice, and uncertain expression on his face.

"I could come to like this lad." murmured a voice behind Harry, who half turned and answered politely:

"Thank-you, sir."

The portrait who had been interrogating Harry, who had begun spluttering, fell silent at Harry's words and stared at the young man.

"You understood that?" he asked after a moment in a more polite voice.

"Yes," said Harry, somewhat unsure as to why this was such a big deal. "Why shouldn't't I?"

"I was speaking parseltongue, boy. Didn't you notice?"

"No, I didn't. I often don't."

"Well, you certainly showed old Lord Black there. Are you really going down to the Chamber?"

"I wasn't actually planning on it. I mean, it's yours, and I should at least ask you before just wandering down there."

Slytherin's eyes sparkled with amusement and fun.

"Oh, I like you so much better than the last chap who…By the way, do you know that there's a boy behind you?"

"No, thanks." Harry turned and found Draco Malfoy staring at him. For a moment or two, there was silence in the hall as the two young men stared at each other. Harry decided to make the first move. Although he figured it was rather late to begin building bridges or mending fences, he reckoned he might as well try.

"Sorry if I'm trespassing on Slytherin territory. I was looking for someplace warmer than upstairs," he said quietly and politely. Malfoy looked surprised at the courtesy, for he had been expecting sneers, and a belligerent defence of Potter's right to be there. His smart-arse answers were now not so smart, so all he could say was:

"I guess if Salazar Slytherin says you're okay, who am I to disagree."

Harry shrugged. There were a few more moments of silence, the Malfoy spoke again.

"I suppose it's none of my business, but were you just wandering around down here, or were you going someplace in particular?"

"Go on! Tell him what you told Black!" interrupted Slytherin.

"No! Why should I? He's being polite." Harry responded without thinking.

"Excuse me?" demanded Draco. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Nothing. He just wanted me to shock you."

"I'm not that easy to shock. Try me," challenged the fair-haired boy with more of his usual arrogance.

"If you take him down with you, I bet it would go a long way toward mending things between you two." Slytherin pointed out.

"Alright!" sighed Harry. "I was sort of heading for the Chamber of Secrets, since Salazar says it's okay with him. Wanna come?"

Draco blinked in surprise, but he recovered quickly.

"Sure. Let's go before we're missed."

Salazar chuckled and his portrait swung forward.

"Quickest way is down this pipe. I suggest you ask the snake on the wall opposite my statue to let you into my workroom, where you will find maps of the pipes. Have a good time!"

"Thanks!" said Harry cheerfully as he and Draco entered the huge, tunnel-like pipe. As the portrait swung back, they lit their wands and started exploring, always choosing the most downward sloping path. Harry noted that there were some doors, neatly and clearly labeled in what must have been parselhand, since Draco could not read them. They reckoned to spend about two or three hours down there, since likely no one would miss them in that time, but since neither of them had a watch they soon lost track of time…

_Lunchtime of the same day:_

Ron and Hermione did not get worried about Harry until lunchtime. It had become routine for Harry to get up earlier than them, do his own thing until lunch, then join them. That day, however, they got to the great hall and no Harry joined them.

So after they had eaten, they went to see if they could find him. They started in the dungeons, since Snape had left the Hall with Dumbledore and Slughorn was busy elsewhere – and they wanted to meet neither of them.

"I mean, it would be just like the git to forbid us to look for Harry, and Slughorn would prob'ly get into a flap if his Potions Prodigy was missing," grumbled Ron, and Hermione agreed. The person they did meet was Remus Lupin.

"Hullo, you two," he greeted them.

"Hi!"

"I don't suppose you've seen Professors Snape or Slughorn lately?" Moony inquired casually.

"Yeah, Professor Snape's with the headmaster, and Professor Slughorn's in the Staff Room," Hermione informed him.

"Good." Lupin's tone betrayed a hint of smugness. Ron looked questioningly at him.

"I'd love to tell you why that's good," said the werewolf, catching the look, "but I can't really stop and chat now. Where's Harry, by the way?"

"Actually we were wondering if you had seen him." Hermione answered.

"No. If I do, I will tell him you two are looking for him. I'm afraid I really have to go now."

"See you later, then. Thanks."

Ron and Hermione turned left, and Lupin turned right. He soon reached his destination: Horace Slughorn's office and stores. It did not take him long to take what he needed. He was shaking his head as he left.

"That was pathetic," he muttered to himself. "A first year could have stolen from him. I wish I could speak to him about it. Ah, well, at least it was quick. Now, let's see if Lily was right that Severus still keeps a few odd things in hi bathroom cabinet." With a quiet laugh, he slunk up to the Defence teacher's quarters.

In fact, his Marauder instincts were returning. In order to buy himself some time free of suspicion, he took more ingredients from Snape than he actually needed, then deposited the excess in Slughorn's stores. He had to snigger as he imagined the reactions of his colleagues.

However, he sobered when he reached his own rooms. He got out his journal. The recipe he had to follow would tax his limited abilities with potions to the limit. Well, he would take it one step at a time. He understood the theory, he just was not sure he could do it. He locked his door, and got started.

Around this time, Severus Snape left Dumbledore's office and nearly tripped over Ron and Hermione, patiently waiting to speak to the headmaster. The only reason he did not actually trip over Ron's long legs – which were stretched across the floor – was that he paused, turned, and called back,

"By the way, Albus, have you seen Draco Malfoy this morning? I missed him at lunch."

Ron and Hermione exchanged a look. If Harry's and Malfoy's disappearances were linked, it probably meant trouble.

Albus replied that no, he had not seen Draco, but unsurprisingly since he'd had a busy morning, etc., etc. Snape nodded, satisfied, sneered at the two students in passing, and swept off down the hall. The two students in question knocked on the door, were admitted, and were offered lemon drops.

"Thanks, Sir."

"Now, what can I do for you, Mr Weasley, Miss Granger?"

"Well, we came to tell you that Harry's been missing all morning, and we heard while we were waiting that Malfoy's missing too, and if there's a connection…"

"I see." Dumbledore thought a moment. "I see no cause for concern yet. Thank-you for telling me. If you see him or Mr. Malfoy, please tell, but I will keep an eye on the situation."

"Okay. Thanks." The two best friends of The Boy Who Lived left, satisfied.

In a completely other part of the castle, Professor Snape approached his office and found two boys he did not immediately recognise sitting by the door, apparently waiting for him. He cleared his throat and they glanced up. He was shocked to realise it was Potter and Draco. Both were so filthy that they appeared to have hair of the same shade of brown. Their faced, robes, and hands were not much better. His shock allowed Draco time to stand and present him with three neatly wrapped packages, and five bottles of differing sizes.

"A while back you mentioned a continuing interest in rare potions ingredients, so we thought you might like these. Harry made sure the documentation is taken care of, so it's legal."

Snape was absolutely stunned. Two sets of questions competed for priority of utterance. He picked one.

"You said 'we'. Since when do you two co-operate on anything?"

The boys glanced at each other. Harry ended up answering cautiously:

You'd be surprised what you can do with someone, when you're not trying to kill each other."

"Or when you find a common interest," Malfoy added. Snape raised an eyebrow at this, and decided to drop that particular inquiry in favor of other questions.

"What is this?" he demanded, meaning the things he held in his hands.

"Guess!" challenged Draco. The older man undid the largest parcel, and found a carefully rolled skin of a unique, bright green. He gasped and opened the others. One contained two lifeless eyeballs, and the other contained a number of assorted teeth. The bottle, which he noted absent-mindedly were of an antique style, contained blood, a clear liquid the identity of which he could guess, and various organs. When he looked up, Draco was grinning wildly, and Potter was looking nervous.

"I don't quite know what to say," he said at last. "This is…incredible. But, wait: this means you two went down to the Chamber of Secrets."

"Um, yeah."

"Did you tell anyone where you were going?"

"Er…" Draco shot a glance at Harry, who said quietly:

"I told Salazar Slytherin."

"Very useful, Potter." Snape growled.

"If we had been gone much longer, of if he had seen anyone was particularly worried, I'm sure he would have spoken up."

"You think?" Snape's concern for Draco's safety caused him to sneer at the blond-haired young man. "He never says anything to anyone," Snape told Draco snarkily. He was pretending to ignore Harry, so he did not notice that the black-haired boy flushed suddenly for no apparent reason.

"Actually," said a slightly raspy voice from Snape's left, "I do talk to people. Just rarely human people, since I am not fond of English. Or most human languages except Gaelic and Welsh"

Draco jumped slightly at the sound of the voice, and Snape swung sharply around. Slytherin was leaning against the frame of a bizzarre impressionistic painting done only in shades of green and yellow.

"In fact, would you translate for me, lad?" he asked.

"I guess," Harry said wearily.

"How did you come to have an interest in these two?" Snape demanded suspiciously.

"I liked the way young Lightning-Bolt handled Lord Alfard Black's interrogation," was the answer, delivered through Harry. Snape scowled, indicating that further explanations were required to satisfy him.

"Well, Alfard was throwing his weight around, he even called the lad a Gryffindork, but he shut right up when the boy coolly announced his intention of going to clean up the Chamber of Secrets."

"And really did, Sir," added Draco. "There's not much that's messier than a dead basilisk."

"That reminds me," Slytherin said to Harry. "While I agree that you were completely justified in killing that one – a mean old bugger if ever there was – next time you might try reasoning with him or her. A good solid dose of flattery and politeness will usually give you a basilisk that's wrapped around your little finger."

"Okay, I'll try it."

"I don't mind telling you this, since you are a lot nicer than the last parselmouth around here – what was his name, again?"

"Tom Riddle." Harry said shortly, with a scowl.

"Right. Him. Someday I'll get my descendents' names sorted out."

"What's the matter, Harry? Why the black look?"

"I just got a kind of back-handed compliment."

"Oh? Pray repeat it," Snape sneered.

"Apparently I'm considerably politer than the last parselmouth to grace these halls," Harry relied with a bitter, sarcastic edge to his voice that neither of the two slytherins had ever heard come from the Golden Gryffindor. There was an uneasy silence, which Snape decided to break.

"Loathe as I am to admit it, he may have a point. Killing and torturing people _is_ quite rude. Well, Draco, I am touched that you thought of me while you were 'cleaning up'. Now, you run along and do something about your filthy state."

With that, he swooped into his office. With nods to each other and to Salazar, Draco and Harry parted.


	4. Peter's Plans & Lupin's Diary

**Chapter 4: Peter's Plans **

No one on Earth was aware that Sirius Black was dancing a jig. The deceased Marauders had not dared hope that Harry would make a move on his own, but in the space of four hours he had made two: first inviting Draco to 5the Chamber, then suggesting that they harvest as much of the carcass as possible for Snape. It was lucky that a property of basilisks was that their flesh and organs preserved themselves upon death. Draco had built upon the idea by suggesting that they use empty bottle and boxes from Salazar's workroom, which the boys had found and entered. And, to cap it all off, both of them had gained possession of extremely detailed maps of the old castle; Draco had Godrick's copy – it being written in English – and Harry had Salazar's. Sharing a secret like that was enough to make anyone friends. Plus, at the rate Moony was going was going, he would have the potion ready sometime that day.

"Don't get cocky, Padfoot," warned James. "I grant you, that aspect of the scheme's going well, but what about Wormtail? He's not as bright as Moony, and I'm afraid the potion's beyond him."

"He'll cope."

"I hope so. Er, by the way, er, do you know he's in love?"

"No! Prongs, you're joking aren't you?"

"No, and what's more, the object of his affections returns them somehow, which could have disastrous consequences. I hope to Merlin we haven't started anything we can't handle."

"Lighten up, Jimmy!" Lily said severely. "It'll be fine. Our concern is not them, but Harry."

"Lil's right." Padfoot agreed. "Er, who is Wormtail in love with?"

So James told him. Since the ensuing scene was not pretty, we will leave them now, and focus our attention on the objects of James's worry.

That Saturday morning was the best that Wormtail had ever had. Never in all his wildest, most fanciful dreams had he even tried to convince himself that it was possible to get what he most desired in the whole world. Even though he believed that the whole episode was a dream, he was determined to enjoy every moment.

Their first kiss did not last long. Both were surprised that it was happening at all. Trembling, Peter reached up, and traced the line of Voldemort's cheekbone and jaw. In the silence, both could hear the rasp of human skin on scaly snakeskin.

"What's happening to us, Peter?" whispered the Dark Lord, "Why do I suddenly realise I need you like I need to breathe?"

"Oh! You m-mean it? Really? Oh, oh! I never d-dared hope you'd feel the way I do!"

"Peter!" Voldemort hesitantly ran his fingers through Wormtail's hair. Tom Riddle's servant slowly and sensually traced the outline of his master's thin lips, before leaning down to kiss them again. The red eyes which had been half closed with pleasure opened in surprise and he trembled as a jolt of adrenaline surged through him. Peter noted this, and when this second, deeper kiss ended he remarked;

"You've never done this before, have you."

"No." whispered the Dark Lord. "Show me, please."

"I'd be delighted to. We'll take it slow. I want you to enjoy every minute."

"Oh, Peter, I was so afraid of you, afraid that if I stopped being tough and cold you would turn on me."

Wormtail was shocked. When he was finally able to speak again he asked hesitantly,

"So, why did you finally let your mask slip?"

"Partly I didn't think I had a choice. I had to trust you. Logically and emotionally I _had_ to. Also, I thought I saw in your eyes a glimpse of something more than the resentful obedience the others feel. So I risked it."

"And aren't I glad you did!" Peter wriggled slightly, fitting his body more comfortably against Voldemort, who slid one arm firmly around his waist, and began running the fingers of the other hand through his new-found love's hair. For some time they lay there like that, just enjoying each other's company. Than Voldemort remembered something: Peter probably still thought this was all just a crazy dream.

"Er, Peter?" he said cautiously.

"Mmm?" was the contented reply.

"Are you still waiting to wake up? Because while I hate to disappoint you, this isn't a dream. I used your belief that it was to get you to take a chance on me."

After this somewhat sheepish admission there was a long silence while Peter dealt with the almost overpowering surge of happiness that filled him, and dealt with the almost equal urge to roll over and snog Lord Voldemort senseless.

"Well, I guess I'll forgive you." he drawled at last. Voldemort's arm tightened around him. They lay like that quietly for another, longer while. Wormtail did not realise he had dozed off, lulled by his love's presence, until he heard James' voice.

"Peter, I hate to disturb you, but remember there's a Death eater meeting tomorrow – Sunday – and Lily might have overestimated you when she said the potion was 'a cinch'. You should at least check if you have all the ingredients."

"Aw, James, can't I have a bit more time with him"

"Pete, you've had three hours. And if I'm not mistaken, your beloved will want lunch soon. So move your arse, and you can get potions supplies while you buy food."

"How come you're always right?" mumbled Peter out loud.

"What's that, Wormtail? Inquired Voldemort.

"James says I have to get up and start on the potion for Severus. He said it might be kind of hard."

Bring the instructions here and we can look at it together." Voldemort offered, loathe to let go of Peter for any protracted length of time.

"It's in my head. I just have to write it down." Peter conjured quill and parchment, and started to write. He glanced up to see red eyes staring at him in confusion.

"You memorized it?"

"Yeah," Peter replied. "I can memorise instructions almost instantly, I just can't usually follow them." He finished writing, then

"Thanks a lot, Lily. You may be able to do this standing on your head, but I can't do it at all!"

"I t certainly is…er…obtuse." The Dark Lord commented.

"Obtuse is an understatement. I'll blow it up in five minutes." Peter grumbled.

"What worries me is if you don't blow it up, but still get it wrong. Then what could happen to Snape?"

"Very helpful mental images, My Lord."

"Well, I'm afraid that's all the help I can be. Severus gets away with so much around here be cause a Potions Master is worth his weight in gold when you can blow up salt water."

"That's it!" Wormtail, who had been hunched over the paper suddenly sat bolt upright. "That's it! Oooh, it's perfect; we can get this done, and done Marauder-style to boot!"

"What are you blathering on about?" growled Voldemort.

"Well, what would _you_ do if you wanted to get this brewed?"

"I would tell Sn – You genius! I can get Snape to brew his own love potion."

He can dash it off in no time. Then after the meeting, hold him and a few others back, send me to serve drinks, I'll add it to his, and he'll never know what hit him!"

"I'll have him, MacNair, and Bellatrix stay. I can guarantee that the others will want fire whiskey, but Severus will want water or wine. No mix-ups."

"He'd better want wine. Water's just about impossible to spike without traces, and I doubt he trusts us not to poison him." Peter remarked thoughtfully.

"I can probably taunt him into having wine. Everyone knows I love to pressure people into doing what they would rather not." Lord Voldemort's eyes flashed.

"You should join the Marauders, Milord. You think like one."

"I doubt your friends would approve." Answered Voldemort dryly.

"Since when has that stopped either of us.?" Peter's tone held a hint of challenge.

"You know, Rat-of-my-Heart, I suspect I might be in love with you." Voldemort said, a dreamy tone softening his harsh voice.

"Really?" Peter squeaked, his blood pounding in his veins.

"Yes really!" snapped the Dark Lord. He reached over, snagged Peter by the front of his robes, and dragged the Marauder down on top of him. Peter's yelp was cut of by a passionate kiss.

"Ugh! Better him than me!" muttered James as he turned away. He had nothing against homosexuality, but he preferred not to watch people of either sex making out.

"Really! The rat's got gall suggesting HE join the Marauders." Padfoot was unsure whether or not to be enraged at the very idea.

"Well, if they marry, it's not like we have any say. We agreed twenty years ago that a Marauder's spouse is a Marauder." James grumbled.

"Well, let's just trust precedent. Adding Lily worked well…" Sirius was gamely trying to be optimistic.

"Let's check on Moony." Prongs preferred changing the subject to pretending a bad situation was a hopeful situation.

**Chapter 5: Second Extract from the Diary of Remus Lupin, AKA Moony **

_Whew! Done at last! A tricky bit of work, that potion was, but I got it. Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! On a more sober note, though, how do I get that blasted slytherin blond to brink it? It's not like he's likely to take anything I give him. And why would I give him anything to drink anyway? Okay, scratch that. How can I intercept something Draco plans to ingest, and tamper with it? Think, Moony, THINK! You're a Marauder, for crying out loud. What if I somehow get him coughing, then get him a glass of water…no, he'd notice if the water was magenta like the potion. Not bad, though. Not water, maybe juice. He starts coughing, I happen to have some juice, I offer it to him…Dammit! He won't ever trust a glass with my saliva on it. And he'd have a point. Who knows what would happen if someone drinks a lycanthrope's saliva._

_Scratch that too. So, how can I get within arm's reach of his glass? Hmmm…This is tricky. I rather like the idea of having to fetch him a drink, but how would I contrive a situation where I would._

_Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn. Time for another blasted staff-and-Order meeting. I'd better carry a vial of the stuff in my pocket, in case I get a miraculous chance. By the way, I wonder if Snape's noticed the disappearance of his Chinese Fireball scales & blood, and those Lad's Love roots?_


	5. The Staff Meeting

**Chapter 6: The Staff Meeting and What Followed**

As a matter of fact, Snape _had _noticed. How could such a meticulous man, while putting away his precious gifts in his private stores, have _not_ noticed the missing bottles of Lad's Love, or the lowered levels of dragon's blood and scales?

So he arrived in the Staff Room rather put out. He was too pleased by the newest additions to his Rare Ingredients Collection to be enraged by the loss of anything replaceable, but he was certainly annoyed. His mood did not long escape the Headmaster's notice.

"Severus! What ever is going on? There's a spring in your step, yet you're scowling even more heavily than usual."

"Be on the lookout for students sneaking around brewing illicit potions; that is all I can say. I am missing a few things from my personal stores."

Professor McGonagall, sitting in an armchair near the two men, noticed something amiss with Snape's words as Albus left him to his thoughts.

"Severus, why would a student steal from you? Most people probably wouldn't think of it – everyone knows how badly you wanted to be quit of the Potions' job. Any student after ingredients would target Horace."

Snape stared at her for a moment.

"True enough." His voice was grim. "Which means … someone among the staff … or an intruder …"

"May I aid the search? I don't know how much you trust me, being Heads of rival Houses and such, but I would never steal from you; I would ask."

"Of course you would, assuming you had any use for potions ingredients in the first place." Snape refrained from saying outright that he doubted Minerva McGonagall would know what to do with most of the things he had stored away.

"So, logically, we should first focus on who has the ability to use whatever you've lost … or might be working for someone who does …"

"And hope it was merely a case of borrowing without asking, since they could not find me. Of course, it would also have to be someone who knows me well enough to guess I would have kept a few stores, and where I might hide them … and someone who knew what they were looking for. Nothing else was touched or riffled through."

"That all narrows it down quite nicely, then," the Head of Gryffindor said cheerfully.

"Too nicely." Snape's voice became even grimmer. "After all, who does it leave? Albus, Poppy, or Horace."

Minerva's good humour dissolved on hearing this. Still, her charitable Gryffindor instincts prompted:

"I admit Horace can be rather … _trying_ at times, Severus, but other than the fact we can rule the other two out – "

"Not necessarily," Severus murmured. "I wouldn't put it past Albus to do something like this." 

"What all was taken? What do you think they might be used in?"

"Blood and powdered scales from a Chinese Fireball, and a few bottles of dried, powdered Lad's Love roots – the magical kind. I don't know off the top of my head what potions use all three of those, but I also haven't had much time to research yet."

"Well, their uses might give us a clue, but we don't need it urgently. How do you wish to proceed now?"

"Hmm…" Snape frowned. "I think we should each talk to one of our two 'suspects'. Which would you prefer to tackle?"

"I have no preference."

"Ah – in that case, would you mind questioning Slughorn? He … how shall I put this … he sort of puts my back up," Severus admitted stiffly.

"Alright. We have twenty minutes before the meeting; let's get started."

They parted company and Snape went to talk to the Headmaster. Once he explained the peculiarities of the situation, Dumbledore stopped teasing him and offered reasonably straight answers. Severus was relieved, for he had expected to have a hard time convincing Albus to cooperate. The upshot was:

"No, Severus, I most definitely did not steal from you. You are right in that I might have, but not this time."

"That's good, I suppose … though to be perfectly frank, Albus, I almost wish you had. I trust you more than Horace, our other prime suspect."

"'Our'?"

"Minerva is helping me investigate."

"I see. Er, Severus, what will you do if it is _not_ Horace?"

"Hope that whoever it is does not have a nefarious purpose in mind. And search out the true thief."

"I may be able to help you with that – Oh, hello Remus."

"Hello Headmaster, Severus," Remus greeted them.

"Good day, Remus." Severus' greeting was guarded and half-suspicious, as usual – then a sudden surge of humour made him ask, "Did _you_ happen to steal some of my potions ingredients?"

"Oh, how did you _ever_ guess?" Remus wondered sarcastically. Snape raised an eyebrow, unsure whether this was a confession or a joke.

The door to the Staff Room opened with a _bang_! In the doorway stood Minerva, who seemed to have kicked it open, since he right hand was occupied with three large vials and her left was gripping the arm of a protesting Horace Slughorn.

"Severus?" McGonagall voice was loud and cold, and made everyone shift their gaze uneasily between her and Snape. "Are these the ingredients that were stolen from you?"

Snape hurried forward, followed by Dumbledore and Lupin. He took the vials. He inspected them closely. With all eyes on him, there could be no mistakes. But he was too knowledgeable to not recognize the truth – especially in his own bottles and labelled in his own handwriting.

"Yes, they are," he said at last, and looked up. "Horace, why?"

"I didn't steal them! I'm not a thief! I don't know how they got into my rooms! I know it sounds preposterous, but I swear someone must be trying to frame me!"

"Admittedly, you have no reason to steal these," Snape acknowledged, very dryly. "These are not _that_ rare, and certainly the roots at least have no legal restrictions … But still, if you didn't steal them, who did? Whoever broke in knew exactly what they were after."

"And why not?" Slughorn sounded a bit less hysterical now that McGonagall had let go of his arm, and had dropped vehement protests in favour of a reasoning, logical approach. "I mean, if you're going to brew something that requires stolen ingredients, wouldn't you want to be damned sure you knew what you wanted? If only to save time and limit the risk of being caught."

"True enough." Slughorn looked surprised by this calm response, so Snape explained: "It's not that I particularly want you to be the thief, it's just that I've eliminated the other possibility within the school and I'd rather it was you than some intruder. I don't know what potion might require these particular three ingredients, so I have no evidence other than where they were found."

Lupin, not being very fond of Slughorn, decided to step in. After all, if worst came to worst he could just confess the whole story to Dumbledore.

"I don't know if this is valid," the lycanthropic Marauder ventured, "but there's something you might have missed. Let's say someone wants potions ingredients. Why would they bother even trying to steal them from the Defence teacher when there's a Potions Master right downstairs? One who would very likely have obscure things for his own use." Having accidentally repeated Minerva's earlier point, Lupin ended it there, confident that Snape's shrewd brain would read in what he had _not_ said: _Only Slughorn himself would know that the school's official Potions teacher didn't have those three ingredients in his personal stores_.

There was a pause after Lupin's observation, which was broken by Dumbledore.

"An interesting point. How many would know of Severus' continued interest in obscure potions?"

"Anyone," cut in Poppy Pomfrey, "who knows that, whether he likes it or not, he's brilliant at the subject and has kept his hand in through the years."

"I have an idea," said Snape slowly. "It may eliminate the possibility that a student stole the ingredients and framed you – which is unlikely in any case. They know, or could guess, how I would react if it looked like I was being forced back into Horace's job," he noted acidly. "Horace, you go and lock up your stores the way you usually do, and I will attempt to 'break in' to assess whether a student could have done so."

"Excellent plan, Severus, no need to panic at this stage," McGonagall agreed.

"Then by all means let us skip this staff meeting. Go on down to your rooms and lock up, Horace. I will ensure Severus stays here where he cannot observe your procedure." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "The rest of you are free to go."

Snape sat down and the other staff members left. He thought over the events of the day, and something occurred to him that prompted a wry smile.

"What is it, Severus? Any thoughts on the matter?"

"Indeed, Headmaster, one which intrigues me and will no doubt please you."

"Oh?"

"Who do you think, among the students, I would accuse first? Go on, spit it out."

"Well, you do have a history of accusing a certain Gryffindor trio."

"I do, don't I?" Severus mused, leaning back and clasping his long, bony hands around one knee. "But all three of them have alibis, and Potter's is impeccable. Weasley and Granger were looking for Potter all morning, so I understand – and Potter was with Draco Malfoy during that time."

Albus blinked in surprise. "Please, Severus, do tell all."

"Well, after our discussion I went back to my office and found Potter and Draco waiting for me. Both were almost unrecognisable with filth, a state which they explained by claiming to have spent the morning cleaning the Chamber of Secrets. Not only was Draco backing this tale, Salazar's portrait spoke up and confirmed it. The other reason I don't think they did it was that it was apparently Potter's idea to harvest some of the dead Basilisk and give it to me, ensuring that I would be going to my stores to put my new acquisitions away. I doubt that everyone's Golden Gryffindor is quite so good at covering his tracks that he would practically send me searching for them."

"Good gracious, my boy! Do you mean to tell me that Harry and Draco are no longer at each other's throats?" Apparently Albus was still a few sentences back.

"I believe Potter's words were, 'You'd be surprised what you can do with someone when you're not trying to kill them'."

"Why that's marvellous!" exclaimed Albus.

"You _would_ think so," Snape retorted, but before they could continue, Slughorn returned. Snape and Dumbledore set off for the dungeons to attempt to 'steal' more potions ingredients.

Meanwhile, Remus Lupin had wandered off in vague search of Draco Malfoy, hoping an opportunity would present itself to give him the potion. He wasn't really expecting one, though.

He climbed down a staircase, turned a corner and heard:

"You've got to be joking! You mean I'm not the only one who's a Canons fan?!"

"They _do_ have the best teamwork of any team I've seen … they've just had a really long streak of bad luck."

Recognizing the first voice as Ron Weasley, Lupin walked down the hall just in time to see said redhead give a high five to a familiar blond.

"_Honestly_!" said Hermione, loudly and exasperatedly, from the sidelines.

"Easy, Hermione," Harry murmured to her "Please don't smash the bridges we're building here."

"Fine … Oh, hello Professor."

"Hello, Hermione." Lupin remained calm – outwardly. "I see you found Harry."

"Yeah. Draco and I went down to the Chamber – sorry if we worried you or anyone."

"No harm done. Find anything interesting?"

"Well, Draco and I pooled our knowledge, and it turns out that the Basilisk was really useful."

"What use is a dead Basilisk?" In addition to wanting to get the students talking, Lupin was genuinely curious.

"Potions ingredients, Professor!" explained Draco eagerly. "The only way anyone can sell, buy, or use pieces of a Basilisk is if the person who killed it signs off rights to its use to them. We found copies of the documents, Harry signed them, and … and …" He trailed off and glanced to Harry, who rolled his eyes and finished the story.

"And we gave as much as we could carry – plus the documentation – to Professor Snape. You know, Drake, Lupin won't kill us for being nice to someone he doesn't like."

"You think?"

"I'm sure. That was more my godfather's style."

The Gryffindors all smiled, if somewhat painedly. They were getting over the loss of Padfoot. (Sirius himself, watching the scene, was overall glad about this – like any true prankster he preferred laughter over tears or solemnity.) Hermione moved over, making room for Lupin to sit down with the students in the smallish alcove off the hallway. He joined them and noted casually, "It's nearly teatime. Refreshments, anyone?"

"Sure!" came a chorus.

"Your call, Draco, you're the host here!" Ron added.

"I'll do it. I'm the old fogey who has to earn a place in your group," laughed Lupin as he stood up. "What do you all want?"

"How about firewhiskey?" joked Ron.

"Whatever's not too much trouble, Professor," Hermione said seriously.

"How about tea?" Lupin suggested.

"Yeah!"

So Lupin left, laughing to himself. Tea was perfect it would mask the colour and taste of the potion perfectly. It was almost too easy to slip into the kitchen and ask a passing elf for 'tea for five'. The small creature squeaked in happy acquiescence, and soon Remus was walking back to the alcove with a heavily laden tea tray. He charmed the cups so that each would be subtly more appealing to a particular person, so he could be sure Draco got the right one.

Sure enough, they all picked the cups they were supposed to, and soon the potion was safely inside Draco. Lily had warned Remus it would not take effect right away, so it would feel natural. She estimated they had twenty-four before things started to get interesting.

"Here's to friendship!" Ron held up his cup to propose a toast with the last of the tea.

"To friendship," repeated the others. Draco and Remus were especially fervent.


End file.
